New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
