we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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