She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
