He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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