i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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