he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
