Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Is it because I queefed?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
