if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
