Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
