It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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