phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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