over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
