I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
