Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
