Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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