We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
