Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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