i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
We're too hungover to prance.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
