as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
