"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
