new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
