Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
