If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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