i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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