I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
