I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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