I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
