she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
