I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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