It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
