do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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