I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
