Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
