If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
