dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
