his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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