the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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