i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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