Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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