So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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