Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
