smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
i need some magic done to my vagina
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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