hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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