I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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