Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
