I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
the liver wants what the liver wants
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
