I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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