guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
