FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
