My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
