worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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