I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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